Dear Victoria ...

So sorry to hear about your bunions. Ouch much! Trust me - I know from experience. Although I took a very different route to making mine a lot happier than yours.

Because I'm 5 feet 9 inches - and got there sooner than most in my youth - and because "taller than me" boys were few and far between while I was growing up, I started out with the flat shoe perspective on life. Eventually, boys grew up - figuratively speaking - and employment put highfalutin heels within financial reach. I stood head and shoulders above the rest, and life from the top was grand.

Until, ouch much, my feet began to hurt, my bunions began to ache, and stepping out became a very painful experience. I followed in your footsteps for a while - exercises, corrective insoles, grins to hide grimaces and gnashing teeth, and blatant declarations that all was well. But eventually, I, too, went off to the doc, and his advice was plain and simple: "Surgery or flats."

Needless to say, I opted to stand on my own two feet, supported by little more than an inch of heel and an abundance of comfort. And before long, flats and gentle heels became my trademark, with my bunions all the happier for it.

Victoria, I can understand your reluctance to swap agony for relief, but might I say that your "stylish look" has nothing to do with the tortuous heels you attach to your feet. Rather it's your success that inspires - in music, with your family, and your charity work.

So, why not ditch the heels and experience life on a whole new level - and in an entirely new price bracket - where you can be an example to all who still follow in your haughty footsteps.

Step up to the challenge. Be a beacon, a shining light, a leader in street-level fashion. Don't let your feet be either "the bane of my life" or "the most disgusting thing about me". Instead, turn your hatred of flat shoes into an opportunity to design healthy heels for fellow bunion sufferers. Not ballerina flats or tacky, tasteless designs that frighten small children. Make them lovely, stylish, fashionable, sexy and classy, with just a hint of spice!

I can see it now ... "Put your best foot forward with GO FOR LOW - the new heel from Victoria Beckham's Cobblers for Cobbers". Your bunions and ours will thank you for it.

Not the end of the world

Wednesday November 11, 2009. 4:21 pm. Power's gone out. City is plunged into darkness. Eerily quiet outside. Nothing to do but light candles, take a bath, drink sherry, and ponder.

What does it mean? Who can we ask? When will it end? Should we be afraid? And then the important questions ... How will we cook tea? What about the TV? And twitter and facebook? Will the beer stay cold? Can I still ...?

Oh, wait. A light. The power is restored. Life as we know it is back on track. All is well in the world again. Yippee!

Interesting that given all the apocalyptic scenarios being played out these days on television, in movies and in real life - H1N1, man-made global warming, financial ruin, red-light cameras - there wasn't anyone running around outside during our one-hour blackout screaming that it was the end of the world.

In some places, at least, common sense and logic are still the order of the day.

Dear Mr Bruckheimer ...

Thank you so much for not becoming an accountant or a brain surgeon. Although I'm sure you would no doubt have succeeded in those professions, I think we have all benefited from your foray into the world of storytelling and filmmaking.

I can't say for sure, but it is entirely possible that I love pretty much anything and everything you have created over the years. Films or television, it doesn't matter. Seems your name is everywhere and your influence knows no bounds, which, of course, bodes well for those of us who love great movies.

So, thanks for all of it, and please don't make plans to retire at any point in the near future. I'm guessing there are a lot of projects currently residing on your drawing board that are waiting patiently for their turn. You wouldn't want to disappoint them by hanging up your shingle before they can take their place in the spotlight.

Speaking of which, if you need a new face for a role in Pirates 4, or any other stories currently in your scope, feel free to give me a call. The only thing better than watching a Bruckheimer production is being in one.

Cheers! And thanks - most sincerely!

Oh, crap!

Yep, I really stepped in it this time. Another doggie deposit just waiting to connect with my unsuspecting shoe. I knew I had trampled something squishy, but in the dark it was hard to tell exactly what. My 'conquest' was obvious much later in the local Tim Horton's when the stench infiltrated my immediate surrounds. Oh, crap!

Back at home, a toothbrush - an old one - and some hot, sudsy water dislodged the offending substance, and a few hours outside in the intense but all-too-quickly fading sunlight helped dissipate the remaining scent.

As a dog owner and well-trained poo picker-uper, I just don't get it. You have a dog, you take it for a walk, it poos, you take out your baggie, pick up the poo, dispose of it responsibly, end of story. Not that difficult really. But for some people, the concept of cleaning up after their canines is simply beyond comprehension. Consequently, they leave behind an endless supply of little surprises just waiting to be discovered by some poor sole.

It would be nice if all those who are too lazy and too apathetic to be responsible dog owners could step into a nice big smelly pile of doggie do the next time they go for a walk. Unfortunately, as we all know, they will simply cry foul and look around for someone else to blame.

The real question

The headline read: "Relax, guys, it's movie shots" (Winnipeg Free Press, October 19, 2009). The story went on to describe a scene from a movie that was interpreted by a concerned citizen as "not normal, law-abiding behaviour". The witness reported "two bloodied men with guns in a vehicle in the Exchange District".

It didn't help that just a few kilometres away, "officers were investigating a bank robbery and possible bomb ... when the call came in". Yikes! All on a Saturday night!

The problem, as it turned out, was that no one involved in the shoot had permission "for a gun shot". Oops! Oh well. The police came, the incident was sorted out, no one was hurt or arrested, and "they all had a good laugh about it".

Lovely.

While reading the article, I couldn't help but wonder, "Why do we keep making movies like this?" The one in question is about "sadistic members of a villainous family who return to their childhood home to terrorize the new homeowners and their guests". The obvious answer is that these films are very popular and profitable. To which I asked the real question - aren't there enough bloody movies out there?

Apparently not. And thanks to incredible (or icky) special effects, filmmakers have a growing number of tools at their disposal to significantly ramp up the gory quotient. Consider the current array of gruesome on screen. Saw VI - more grisly than ever. Final Destination in 3D - a little too up close and personal. Law Abiding Citizen - not so much, and sadistic to boot.

None of it my cup of tea, but not because I have anything against that specific genre. It's just that I wonder how much further it will go before we simply can't take any more of that kind of entertainment. A thought that really hit home the other night while watching an episode of Criminal Minds.

As much as I enjoy that show, the episode was so vicious and disturbing, even I had trouble getting to sleep afterward. The interesting part was that it screened at eight o'clock at night - a time that used to be reserved for family viewing. Not these days.

So, what's the big deal, you ask? It's only make believe, you say. If you don't want to watch, don't, you add. All wise counsel in drawing the proverbial line between enough and too much.

But given that there is invariably someone out there willing to push the envelope that little bit further, be it on the big screen, the small screen, or in real life, there is always the chance that the line will blur, opening the door to the very real possibility that the next time a concerned citizen witnesses something that actually is "not normal, law-abiding behaviour", they will misinterpret what they see and write it off as yet another "movie shot".

Lovely.

Well, duh!

And the headline reads: "'Balloon Boy' saga a hoax" (Sydney Morning Herald, October 19, 2009 - 6:30AM). The first line of the article confirms it: "US authorities say the runaway balloon saga that gripped the United States was a hoax concocted by the entire family to drum up publicity for a future reality television show."

Maybe it's the cynical vein that runs through my body, but I never bought it from the first report that flashed across the screen. (See 'Oh, come on!' previously in this blog.) As the 'story' unfolded, it became even less believable - or at least that's what I thought. But the subsequent hysteria by the media, the authorities, and the gullible many, not just in the United States, but around the world, proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that people love this stuff. They love to watch it, report it, believe it, be part of it. And they continue to do so for days on end, until the story eventually runs out of steam, or it's revealed as a hoax, or something else takes its place on our radars.

As for the family, don't they have anything better to do? No? Well, apparently neither do we.

It's happened before; it will happen again. No wonder our world is in such a mess.

Oh, come on!

Balloon boy? Really? Are you kidding me?

"Mad scientist" parents, big helium balloon, reports that a 6-year-old boy had fallen off, or was possibly trapped inside. "The structure at the bottom of the balloon that the boy is in is made of extremely thin plywood and won't withstand any kind of a crash at all."

Media jump all over it, authorities go nuts, videos, live tracking, coverage on every channel, web alerts, breaking news, even as far away as Australia. Reporters trip over themselves in the rush to report, to run the exclusive, to give the full story, to capitalise on this potentially dreadful catastrophe - and big news story. And why wouldn't they? It had all the makings of an incredible story. Besides, one of his brothers "saw" the boy climb into the craft and undo the anchor rope. That fact alone was enough to swing the investigative wheel into top gear.

Eventually, the balloon comes down, gentle landing, but gasp! The boy is NOT inside!

Egads! Big search. Where could he be? Time ticks by. What to do, what to do!

Well, while the drama unfolded and histrionics reigned supreme, the so-called "balloon boy" was safe and sound - in a cardboard box in the attic above the garage, for heaven's sake.

Now I understand that this could have had a different ending. And I get that some people think we have to know everything every time something happens. And I applaud the media for sticking to their mandate - the public has a right to know - but seriously, can you say, "Whoa, Nellie!"

So, what was all that? A temporary distraction, perhaps? A welcome diversion? An otherwise slow news day? And then it hit me ... of course ... yes ... the perfect publicity stunt. That had to be it! Finally, something that makes sense about the entire show.

Tsk, tsk everyone. Now, back to work!