Dear Victoria ...

So sorry to hear about your bunions. Ouch much! Trust me - I know from experience. Although I took a very different route to making mine a lot happier than yours.

Because I'm 5 feet 9 inches - and got there sooner than most in my youth - and because "taller than me" boys were few and far between while I was growing up, I started out with the flat shoe perspective on life. Eventually, boys grew up - figuratively speaking - and employment put highfalutin heels within financial reach. I stood head and shoulders above the rest, and life from the top was grand.

Until, ouch much, my feet began to hurt, my bunions began to ache, and stepping out became a very painful experience. I followed in your footsteps for a while - exercises, corrective insoles, grins to hide grimaces and gnashing teeth, and blatant declarations that all was well. But eventually, I, too, went off to the doc, and his advice was plain and simple: "Surgery or flats."

Needless to say, I opted to stand on my own two feet, supported by little more than an inch of heel and an abundance of comfort. And before long, flats and gentle heels became my trademark, with my bunions all the happier for it.

Victoria, I can understand your reluctance to swap agony for relief, but might I say that your "stylish look" has nothing to do with the tortuous heels you attach to your feet. Rather it's your success that inspires - in music, with your family, and your charity work.

So, why not ditch the heels and experience life on a whole new level - and in an entirely new price bracket - where you can be an example to all who still follow in your haughty footsteps.

Step up to the challenge. Be a beacon, a shining light, a leader in street-level fashion. Don't let your feet be either "the bane of my life" or "the most disgusting thing about me". Instead, turn your hatred of flat shoes into an opportunity to design healthy heels for fellow bunion sufferers. Not ballerina flats or tacky, tasteless designs that frighten small children. Make them lovely, stylish, fashionable, sexy and classy, with just a hint of spice!

I can see it now ... "Put your best foot forward with GO FOR LOW - the new heel from Victoria Beckham's Cobblers for Cobbers". Your bunions and ours will thank you for it.

Not the end of the world

Wednesday November 11, 2009. 4:21 pm. Power's gone out. City is plunged into darkness. Eerily quiet outside. Nothing to do but light candles, take a bath, drink sherry, and ponder.

What does it mean? Who can we ask? When will it end? Should we be afraid? And then the important questions ... How will we cook tea? What about the TV? And twitter and facebook? Will the beer stay cold? Can I still ...?

Oh, wait. A light. The power is restored. Life as we know it is back on track. All is well in the world again. Yippee!

Interesting that given all the apocalyptic scenarios being played out these days on television, in movies and in real life - H1N1, man-made global warming, financial ruin, red-light cameras - there wasn't anyone running around outside during our one-hour blackout screaming that it was the end of the world.

In some places, at least, common sense and logic are still the order of the day.

Dear Mr Bruckheimer ...

Thank you so much for not becoming an accountant or a brain surgeon. Although I'm sure you would no doubt have succeeded in those professions, I think we have all benefited from your foray into the world of storytelling and filmmaking.

I can't say for sure, but it is entirely possible that I love pretty much anything and everything you have created over the years. Films or television, it doesn't matter. Seems your name is everywhere and your influence knows no bounds, which, of course, bodes well for those of us who love great movies.

So, thanks for all of it, and please don't make plans to retire at any point in the near future. I'm guessing there are a lot of projects currently residing on your drawing board that are waiting patiently for their turn. You wouldn't want to disappoint them by hanging up your shingle before they can take their place in the spotlight.

Speaking of which, if you need a new face for a role in Pirates 4, or any other stories currently in your scope, feel free to give me a call. The only thing better than watching a Bruckheimer production is being in one.

Cheers! And thanks - most sincerely!

Oh, crap!

Yep, I really stepped in it this time. Another doggie deposit just waiting to connect with my unsuspecting shoe. I knew I had trampled something squishy, but in the dark it was hard to tell exactly what. My 'conquest' was obvious much later in the local Tim Horton's when the stench infiltrated my immediate surrounds. Oh, crap!

Back at home, a toothbrush - an old one - and some hot, sudsy water dislodged the offending substance, and a few hours outside in the intense but all-too-quickly fading sunlight helped dissipate the remaining scent.

As a dog owner and well-trained poo picker-uper, I just don't get it. You have a dog, you take it for a walk, it poos, you take out your baggie, pick up the poo, dispose of it responsibly, end of story. Not that difficult really. But for some people, the concept of cleaning up after their canines is simply beyond comprehension. Consequently, they leave behind an endless supply of little surprises just waiting to be discovered by some poor sole.

It would be nice if all those who are too lazy and too apathetic to be responsible dog owners could step into a nice big smelly pile of doggie do the next time they go for a walk. Unfortunately, as we all know, they will simply cry foul and look around for someone else to blame.